Dear Anti-Tax Payer

You’ve spent a lot of time trying to avoid paying taxes and demanding that the government get out of your wallet this year. Meanwhile, the federal government has weaseled it’s way into your home and not only did you not see it coming, you actually cheered and screamed in approval. I know you are scratching your head in wonderment, but let me explain…

Remember those lazy teachers? The ones who get paid in the summer to do nothin’ and are “finished by 3pm, every stinkin’ day”? Yah, those ones. The federal government has decided that the only way evaluate those teachers is by using test scores from one single test. And it decided that states that choose not go along will be denied funding – which they really, really need, now that you voted not to pay taxes. Still scratchin’?

Well, here it is. In order for your child’s teacher to keep his or her job, he or she will have to be really, really involved in how you parent. In fact, everyone at the school will be! Their jobs now depend on how your student does on that test and they need to make sure he/she does well.  Given the number of factors that determine success outside of school, the teachers and school administrators have no other option but to ensure those factors are taken care of effectively. Someone will call you every single day your child attempts to sleep in class, wanting to know why. You will be summoned to meetings where you will be taught about the importance of sleep habits and lectured on the evils of video games/phones/television and anything else we can think of… if you could fill out a time sheet, describing how much time you are spending with your child doing academic activities each day, that will be needed. If you can’t fill one out, there will be a meeting at the school to help you fill it out. If you aren’t doing enough, well, that falls under “academic neglect.” The school has to report that the local authorities.

Teachers will now be monitoring student caloric intake. Since the school couldn’t afford new books this year because they had to buy snacks for you child every day, they will be now studying every child’s eating habits. They’ll be asking if your child ate breakfast and if the answer is no, they will be telling you that school now starts a half an hour earlier so the kid can eat that federally provided breakfast – and a teacher will be calling every day to ask when you will be turning in that free-or-reduced lunch questionnaire to ensure that your child gets the federally provided breakfast. Federally provided meals are a huge money maker for those giant agri-corporations – and they have rather large lobbying firms at their beck and call, so don’t even think about having your child not eat those meals. If you call the principal or superintendent to complain they will, of course, ask you to come in and fill out paperwork for your “complaint”. Don’t forget your tax forms!

Has your child missed more than two days this year? The school needs a note from a doctor or they will have to report that to the local authorities – academic neglect, again. Funerals, dental appointments and family vacations are not an acceptable excuse. Also, the school would prefer that you delay informing your child of any death, family problem, crisis or any possible stress inducing issue until summer. They do not want any distraction to interfere with their learning. Don’t worry about missing that test – someone will be calling your home at 7am to make sure your child is there. Don’t bother not answering, they’ll just come to your home and start pounding on the door. Missing the test counts the same as a student failing the test.

Is your child not at benchmark for reading or math? Well, we all know that recess is a waste of time anyways, but so is PE, music, history and anything else not specifically labeled “reading” or “math”. Please make sure your child is really excited to read and do math for six hours straight. The faster he or she learns what the real life is like, the better. The school’s mandate is to prepare students for the almost non-stop grind of working at least three jobs a week to make ends meet (at least until getting laid-off; the new “stay-cation”) Besides, those outside subjects that are not tested don’t really matter anyways.

If, in fact, your child is doing well and getting all the required sleep and eating properly… well, thank you. Now teachers have a good example to sit next all those student who aren’t doing well. We know the goodness will rub off. And, if your child stops doing well because of all the negative influences… I’m sure there is a remediation program for him or her! After all, no child shall be left behind!